Long Distance Friendships

My family moved for the first time when I was in second grade. I remember being so young for a second it felt like the end of the world. I would have to say goodbye to my best friend. We wouldn’t be able to see each other at school, go over to each other’s houses or be normal best friends. This was the first time in my life I was determined we wouldn’t just be best friends, we’d be best friends forever. This meant BFF necklaces from Claire’s, planning a bunch of play dates before I left and asking our parents’ permission to talk on the phone a few times a month. We did all these things and managed to stay good friends for a few years after I moved. We naturally grew apart as we grew up, but it ended up being okay.

            I would go on to move with my family two more times, the last time being the summer before I went off to college. In some ways, this was easier; everyone was saying goodbye to each other anyway. But in other ways, it made “going home” a lot harder. I was happy to see my family but all my friends were four hours away so I had to learn to split my time. I have now been in multiple long distance friendships for about two and a half years.

           Let me open with saying, no kind of long distance relationship is ever easy. There are some days where you feel so angry, sad, like a part of you is missing and you can’t do anything about it but cry. But if it is the right relationship I think you can always be reminded why it is worth it. I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned through my experience with my long distance relationships. I think I’ve come a long way since my second grade best friend in my knowledge of what it takes to maintain a relationship, though I think we had the right ideas; having something physical to remind us of each other, planning to spend as much time together as possible when you can, and talking on the phone.

-       I have pictures hung up in my room of all my friends from back home and it truly helps me remember how they make me feel. I also have a necklace and bracelet from my best friend, which makes me feel like I can carry them and memories from my old home with me through my day.

-       When I have breaks, I split my time between my family and my friends. But I also have to split my time in between friends. At first I would let everyone know at the same time all the days I was going to be in town, ask when they were free and if I could stay with them. I have great friends so I would get “yes” and “I’m free whenever” from everyone. It would turn into a very stressful situation for me, trying to schedule in seeing as many people as I could for as long as I could, feeling guilty when I wanted to spend more time with one person or frustrated when I had to cut time short to get to someone else I wanted to see. I had to drive around everywhere and it took the fun out of being with my friends. I had to learn to get over the guilt of not being able to give equal time to everyone. I now give my very best friend priority because I’m honestly the happiest when I’m with them, they have the most time for me, and I can always stay with them. I plan out my time I want to spend with them, and then ask a few of my other friends if they are free during the time leftover. This has proved to be much easier on my mental health, and simpler for my friends too. Narrowing down their options actually makes it easier for them to make time for me and spending bigger chunks of time with them makes a more valuable visit. 

-       Communication with balance is essential. This means the communication needed to uphold a healthy relationship is different for different friendships. I have one friend I only text every once in a while to check in, but we have a long phone conversation every month. I have another friend who I mostly just snapchat random funny things or encouraging words and then I make sure I spend time with her every long break. This works for us. I have one friend who I haven’t been so good at communicating with and seeing over breaks, but she really needs a friend so it’s a goal of mine to work on it. My best friend and I text and snap all throughout the day, checking in with each other or sharing something funny, annoying or interesting and we FaceTime about every other day. The important thing for me has been to learn to not force anything. I love all my friends and I want to be able to give them all the time in the world, but I can’t. I have to be a friend to myself too and live my life! I don’t need to text all of my friends every second of the day, and I can’t. It doesn’t mean I love anyone less, I just love them all differently which means we communicate differently.

 I don’t know if or when some of these long distance relationships won’t have to be long distance anymore. It hasn’t gotten any easier emotionally but I think I have gotten more skilled at navigating my friendships. I know for a fact I am so grateful to have such amazing friends, and distance is just a small obstacle we have to deal with together. It is all worth it. Do you have any long distance friendships? What are some things you do to help keep them strong? I’d love to hear your suggestions or experience!